Looking back

I wonder how much of our current beings are composed of experiences - those occurrences, events and happenings which have unfolded over time to shape our personalities into what they are today. I suppose I shouldn't say "personality" but "being", rather.

By the same token, I wonder how much of our beings are innate - what qualities, characteristics and traits are native to our being without outside influences. These things truly are ingrained within us from birth and are essentially us.

Either way, I believe that both are present within us, but perhaps some have more of one than the other.

I guess if I had to put a percentage on my traits, I would say I am 75% innate behavior and 25% socially molded behavior. I mean socially in the sense of the life experiences I spoke of earlier and how they are related to society and culture.

Throughout all my life experiences, I would have to say that each chapter has been short. I've spoken on this previously but only briefly and in passing. Tonight, as I reflect back on how this year has turned out overall, I am forced to acknowledge yet more complex chapters that have unfolded and wonder how I would have been if things had been different all my life.

I am not saying I would change things, but I do wonder. I always wonder. Seldom is my brain not in the clouds and yet I claim to be more steeped in reality than most of the people I have encountered. I've been accused of being a negative person for this, by the way.


I am thinking back to many things that have happened over the years of my life. I think of all the people I have met. So many people. So many missed opportunities. A counselor would tell me that it isn't my fault - I had parents who failed to keep a stable marriage, a stable financial situation, a stable life.  However, I started blaming myself very early on for all the mistakes of my social awkwardness and other misfortunes. I still beat myself up when I think of how I dropped out of school. I could have been great, you know. I could have been many things. I want to do many things and feel that my time to take advantage of some of these things has expired. It's sort of tragic.

Oh boo hoo though, cry me a river, right?

Well, I have mistakes under my belt and a head on my shoulders so I won't repeat the things I have done wrong. Fuck self pity. No excuses. I can pardon anyone in the world except myself.


My life has flown by in inconsistent bursts. So many moves. So many towns. So many miles. So many disagreements. So many tears. So many hardships, broken dreams and failed expectations. Each burst has been so short and though I appeared to remain the same throughout it all, I constantly fought off the emotional turmoil which threatened to ruin me. Each burst had high highs and low lows. I was overjoyed and flying in the clouds before crashing back down to reality topped with a hard life lesson. I know no consistency but inconsistency.


Despite all this, I think I would have mostly turned out to be the same person even if I'd had a more stable upbringing. I return to my previous thought on how much of us is socially influenced versus our natural born traits. I still have childish ways I think. Sometimes I still feel like a little girl, but I don't mean that in a good way.

I used to stutter. I stuttered especially badly whenever my father would talk to me. It usually consisted of yelling so that didn't help. He was a brilliant but cruel man. He made fun of me when I stuttered. I was a very frightened, shy child.  Now as an adult, my stuttering has calmed but I still feel like a scared kid often times. My willpower has kept me from letting it get the better of me, but my stuttering sometimes comes out when I am in the presence of someone who reminds me of my father. My general manager reminds me of my father a little bit and I always look/sound stupid when I am around him. My ridiculous inability to communicate suddenly rears its ugly head. I have no doubt he thinks I am not that bright but there is no way for me to turn his opinion around I am sure. Its tragic that some people like him will never know my more confident, intelligent side.


People have definitely shaped who I have become, though. I will say that. People who vex me have hardened my heart a little bit where it was once compassionately, naively vulnerable. I now have less tolerance. People have also disgusted me to the point where I am so picky who I open up to, most will never know the real me. I am very guarded now and I suppose that is a little sad. At the same time, I have come to be able to quickly identify those who are more intelligent. Sometimes it inspires me when they appear approachable for then I can actually speak to and learn from them. At other times, it intimidates me if they appear very boastful. Then I can even get angry if they are overly aware of their superior intelligence as they flaunt it about. People are complex yet they are simply. Most fall within only a few categories that I've subconsciously created in my mind. I think the most dominant feelings I've had throughout my life toward people are (first) fear and (in later years) anger. Whenever I started to become more of an adult around 17 or 18, I changed a bit and tried my best to see the good in people. Damn it, I tried so hard. I did for years and I got really burned because I allowed myself to become way more vulnerable than I should have.  Now I have this strange, complex mixture of all those feelings and tendencies. Why can't it be simple?

This year, I would have to say that despite my hardships in my relationship with Raymond and my mother, it was a very good year because I learned so much. I don't mean I learned from just my classes at college either, but I learned more about life. I learned more about myself. I learned that I can still cry and that I am not completely numb after all. I can still be inspired. Those feelings that I thought were dead and long gone were still there. I had grown so numb just working each day without any further motivation to better myself. I was just focused on getting by. Yet, life really does throw you some curve balls, doesn't it? I learned that inspiration can come from unlikely sources. I also learned not everyone understands it when they inspire you but I guess some things can't really be explained in words. I learned I am capable of doing more than I thought I was and now I wonder what else I can do.

Yes, people have influenced me. However, this year, they influenced me in a good way. Overall, I'd have to say this is the first year where I can make this claim. I've been influenced in a positive way by people I love and for once, they weren't there to tear me down or ask anything of me.

Obviously, I still have had my battles with my family matters. It'll be ok though, I'll somehow take care of things just as I always do.

I wish I could truly thank all who have had a hand in influencing my life in a positive way. I guess all I can do is keep them in my thoughts and prayers as I wish them the best and honor them in my heart. There are few who read this blog, but if you do, then thank you. 


Thanks.