Ugh

Second blog entry for today.

I should be studying but instead I'm just sitting here driving myself insane. When I become restless and weary over something, I just can't get my mind off of it and it drives me up the wall. I have a few things weighing on my mind.


First off, I'll just say I'm fucking depressed. Yes, yes. I get this way sometimes and it sucks ass. I feel so unbalanced. When I get like this, sometimes I can push through it with sheer willpower and say, "Fuck you emotions, I won't let you get the better of me!" and I still do what needs to be accomplished.

However, there are times when it does overcome me and I just give in and sit here. Sometimes I'll just sit in a spot and do nothing, having lost all motivation to do shit. I mean this literally. I won't do a fucking thing, I'll just stare at the wall. I'll neglect everything. There's no excuse for it, I really am not trying to imply that such immature behavior is excusable. It's not. I'm just an idiot sometimes.


I hate my family and how it's just in pieces. I got kind of lonely this afternoon. Fuck, I don't usually get lonely...it's such an odd feeling. I only feel like I need myself and no one else so if I feel loneliness, it's just so strange. It was brought on by talking to my mom on the phone...

My mom left the other day. She and I got into it again. We had another confrontation where I reminded her of just how burdensome I feel with having to be her caretaker.

She told me she just doesn't think she can get off of the loratabs entirely. I told her (again) I didn't think it was good for her. She told me (again) that my aunt will support her habit to which I replied (yet, AGAIN!) that having such an arrangement conflicted with my morals. How would you feel having your mother cry and look at you with such tears in her eyes asking you for medication? Then you feel worse by telling her "NO!" for her own good even though you know you could make the pain go away. I told her the conflict really ate away at me and that I was very torn up about the whole thing.

Then my old feelings resurfaced again, yes by God they did. I told her that every time she asked for anything and every time she and I got into it about her medication my anger boiled up inside me over the things she did/did to me as a child. I told her I was just so damned resentful. All I could do was remember all her fucked up mistakes as a parent and how they'd lead her to where she currently is. It makes me angry, FUCKING ANGRY that she is so reliant upon me. It'd be different if I had to support her because she was disabled by an accident or because she was handicapped by some random reason of fortune. But no, this was all by her own doing and I hate it.

I told her I look at all my peers and how they are free of such burdens and that it does make me a bit jealous. I missed out on so many chances and now I am trying to better myself. Even my co-workers who are 30 and 40 years old have parents that are still  independent. Why? Why at the age of 24 am I already having to deal with this shit immediately after a troubled adolescence? After I got my G.E.D., I immediately went to working for my family because my father died and my mom went even more psycho. Fuck .... I told her I wished she could be an adult for once and that  I felt I was babysitting. I expressed how bitter I was about the whole thing and that I wish I could just be like other young people and focus on college because I want to better myself.

She thought on all this and asked, "Am I really that much of a burden?"

Oh, my heart sank.

I guess I'm not completely immune to her pleas for compassion after all. I'm not completely without sympathy regarding this woman who made my life so hard, even now.


I told her I hate to use the word "burden" but that I did indeed feel weighed down by circumstances.

"Well then, I'll just move in with Aunt Linda," she said.

I just reminded her that my Aunt Linda is just nuts and that it never worked out in the past. She reassured me that she could grow up a bit if it was for my sake and benefit.

"I've held you back long enough. I did it before and I don't want to do it again. You want to get your life in order and make something of yourself and you deserve that."


She sounded so amazingly calm and sound in her decision when she was telling me all of this that I could only feel like an asshole. All of a sudden, a part of me didn't want her to move out. I don't mean just my logic didn't want her out of my home, but my emotions didn't either.

So I cried.

This shit is hard for me to cope with and I don't cry often these days. For the past two years or so, I've probably cried only a couple of times.

But tonight I cried.

I spoke to my mom on the phone and asked how she was doing. She sounded upbeat and I was glad to hear that.

Still...

I made up her room so nice the last time she was here. I made it cozy and all and moved my old bed into it that I'd had locked up in storage. I even hung the picture of Jesus which I'd gotten for her last Christmas up on her wall above the nightstand I'd bought her. I went in there searching for something last night and it felt so damned empty. Some of her belongings are still in there but she's not. But I can't STAND the woman! So why do I now want her back in my home? I wish I could help her, fuck I want to but I don't know how I can...

I asked her if she's coming home for Christmas and she said she would "of course!".

I then realized just how far I feel from having a family. I then thought of how many people I know who have close families. Well, not me - mom's crazy and back and forth between my home and others' homes, dad's dead, sister got the hell out of dodge and my extended family is seldom heard from. I only see them around holidays anyhow. For so long I've just thought, "OK so other people have close families - that's nice, whatever. I don't need that though..."

And you know, I really don't need it, but I do imagine it must be nice.

I want to visit my sister and her family up north maybe during Spring Break next year. We'll see. I miss those assholes.

I felt loneliness like I'd not felt it in a long time. I guess it's because it's the holidays and all I can think about is work and school finals. The details in between such as my mom are not helping.

I guess this is a self pity blog, I don't know.

I wonder what it's like to actually have a family that you can count on and that you know isn't going anywhere. I wonder what it's like to actually live in a household that doesn't change. I remember that I lived in 9 places one particular year of my life. I think it was 1999. My life changed constantly without a single ounce of stability and so I changed with it to adapt. It was dizzying and I now see it in hindsight thinking how I should have responded this or that way to adversity. My family was never consistent or stable and for ONCE in my life I want to experience that. It's way too late though - I'll never experience that unless I start a family of my own and that damn sure isn't happening.

And so it goes, I'll simply try to find a balance on my own like always. Just like it's always been. Always will be. I feel like "me against the world" or some shit...it's this familiar feeling like, "Oh I've been here before."

I feel like a lousy daughter who should call up her mother and reassure her that she can handle the weight of the burden. I wish she could have a place to call "home". But why...why do I care. I should forget about her after all her shit. She's just nuts. I guess I just want a mom - any mom. Fuck, I don't know.

I'm just...depressed.

I'm going to sleep.